blessed be this life

This week has just been the best. there has been so many oppurtunities the Lord has blessed me with. to start it off there was rockbridge last weekend. it is so hard to even begin to put that time into words. i got to have one of the best leaders in my cabin along with some old and new friends. i really revamped my faith in God there and got to see my friends do the same. nothing better. the rest of the week was sweet, i got to spead great time with my family and closest friends. saturday night i had an awesome real talk with my younglife leader. i seriously dont know what i would do without her. she so admirable just by the way she loves others. she is someone i will always look up to. then sunday afternoon i had another awesome talk with my eighth grader :) she's the best. it was so great getting to know her mind and her life. and nothing could top it off better than a hot tub party sunday night.

In church today our pastor was talking about our broken relationships. when we die, we arnt going to think about how we could have made more money or how much stuff we had. we are going to think about the people we were close to, wernt so close to, or wished we were closer to. i have broken relationships with quite a few people that i wish i could fix. if i died tomorrow i know i would regret not working things out. its hard though, i dont know where to start.  im already dreading going to school. only three more weeks till winter break. we got this.

Harder Still

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

I get lost in my mind

One of the greatest things i have been learning this year is how much we need relationships. Relationships with God, friends, family, strangers.. everyone. Without any relationships we would have nothing. In church today, our pastor talked about how we are ment to encourage each other. He had two soccer balls. one was filled with air and the other was deflated. When we are full, like the filled ball, we serve a purpose. But when we are empty, deflated, we are useless. To fill people up, we must encourage them. We must support them. be there for them. help them with everything, but especially their walk with the Lord. Saying that, we can also easily deflate people. The same "needle" that we use to pump others up can tear them apart, empty them. We do that by leaving them, talking bad about them, you know..all that stuff. I believe, we have all been  both the ball and the needle at one point in our lives. I know there has been times where people have made me soo discouraged, but theres also times where i feel like i have been the one to greatly encourage someone.
This year especially, the Lord has blessed me with the oppurtunity to have so many good relationships. He has really given me the confidence i needed. I recently read a letter I wrote to my wyldlife leader (now my best friend :) ) a year or two ago. I said that i really didnt feel like i could open up to alot of people. Man, has that changed. Honestly, I feel like i can talk to anyone about anything. I know that's exaggerrating a bit, but thats seriously how i feel. I love having actual deep, emotional talks with people. Its the best.

I really dont want to look back on these next four year regreting all the friendships i could have had. I want to encourage and fill up the people God have placed in my life. I want to build lasting realationships. I want to have hour long talks about life. I want to live life to the fullest.
 I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full - John 10:10

I love this :)

It's been too long

I have this feeling. Its in the deep depth of my stomach. Its almost like...emptyness. Its weird, and i hate it. I dont understand what it is. I feel like I need to love something or something to love me. I need to do something but i dont know what... this is confusing. I know God can fill that desire for love but why isnt my heart fully and truly acccepting it? I dont want to fill my life with other things. i dont. i do not. i wont. and will not. I guess this is what it feels like to struggle....

random quote of the day found on the locker room floor

"for the strength of the pack is the wolf and the strength of the wolf is the pack."

I'm a hoarder, a hoarder of love.

So, i love alot of people. i really do. but sometimes my own mind gets in the way. when you first see someone its really hard not to focus on their appearence. i mean, thats the first thing you see. i know for me, all day i am constantly looking at others and comparing them or labeling them or judging them. not judging is a huge thing i have to work on. the beginning of chapter seven of matthew is all about how we are not to judge. the bible says "do not judge, or you too will be judged. for the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." i wonder ALL the time about what people are thinking about me.and some things im sure i do not want to know. i can tell people judge me, because well, we are all people. and doesnt really bother me. theres part of me that doesnt care what people think of me. but theres also a part that does. one of my favorite verses says dont conform any longer to the pattern of this world. i have learned a lot this year about not wanting to be part of this world. ive come to accept that we are different from everyone else. and i like that. i like that a lot